Frayed Ends

I hang out over at Blogger these days!

A pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy which begins by early adulthood and is present in differing contexts within a person's life.

1. A narcissistic individual is grandiose in their sense of self-importance and exaggerates their achievements and talents. He expects to be recognized as superior without achieving any great accomplishments.

2. A narcissistic individual is preoccupied with fantasies of his brilliance as well as his unlimited success or power. He fantasizes about beauty or ideal love.

3. A narcissistic individual believes that he is "special" or "unique." He feels that he can only be understood by or should associate with other special or high status people.

4. A narcissistic individual requires excessive admiration and is on a constant search for admiration.

5. A narcissistic individual has a sense of entitlement. He has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment and expect others to automatically comply with his wishes.

6. A narcissistic individual takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends and uses others without regards to the feelings of others.

7. A narcissistic individual lacks empathy and does not identify with the feelings or needs of others.

8. A narcissistic individual is envious of others and believes that others are envious of him.

9. A narcissistic individual shows arrogant or haughty behaviors or attitudes and does not care who he offends.
From Should We Call Them Human?

This is the outcome of my visit with the psychiatrist at the Veteran's Administration Mental Health Clinic.

I tried to find more information about it and signed on to some groups thinking they would be peopled by others with NPD. No, indeedy. The membership were those abused by NPDs. The more I read, the more depressed and ashamed I became. Although I didn't think the diagnosis fit me, the doctor did and he should know, right?

The more I thought about it the more I didn't think it fit me. I printed out the description and took it to a long time friend who is also my acupuncturist. We've known each other for over ten years. He read it and said, "No this sounds more like my X than you! Ignore it. Obviously he hasn't a clue!" Eventually I shared it with my YD. She said the same thing. Bits and pieces, yes, but those bits and pieces are present in everyone. But certainly not to the extreme to create the personality disorder.

I think my reaction alone to it is contraindicative. I was ashamed, not angry. Angry, abusive outbursts are, according to another source the hallmark of NPD. When I get upset, I physically remove myself if possible or retreat into myself if I can't run away.

So, that was a wasted emotional experience for me. That and all the anxiety before the visit....

However, NPD may qualify me for disability. The doc was sure I'd have to be re-evaluated by their staff in order to get disability. Which would mean I'd either get the same diagnosis (and I'd know I really was living in a fantasy world) and subsequently get disability or I'd get a more accurate diagnosis of Asperger's. I just don't know how long it'd take me to get the emotional and psychological energy gathered to go through all that again.

On the up side of life, I've started the ball rolling to go back to school. The local community college has a program to help displaced homemakers, single moms, etc., work their way into or back into the academic world. Techniques for developing academic, personal, and professionals skills of the single parent, homemaker, and reentry student. Includes college success tools, skills, and community resources, personal, academic, and financial aid goals, time management, self-esteem, stress management techniques, career exploration, gender awareness, assertiveness training, critical thinking skills, job development, and portfolio development. If I get accepted into the program, they will pay for this class, and perhaps one more. If I qualify for financial aid, next semester I can count on some grants to help finance my education.

I've done all the requirements for going to school except an orientation session (today), applying for financial aid (today), and meeting with an advisor (Tue or Wed). Then I'll know....

Although this may contraindicate my "recluse personality", I can treat going to school as an academic pursuit, and not a social one. One of the advantages of not being a "right out of high school" student. And, I can take a lot of internet and self-paced classes which minimizes interaction with others.

This weekend is the local quilt show. Original plans were to go today, but it may have to wait till tomorrow as other things got thrown into our schedules.

YD and I worked on the next quilt on the schedule...4thS's quilt due to be gifted in early April. It'll be a rag quilt. We're at the laying it out on the floor part. Hopefully we can get a good grip on it and have it finished by next weekend. The next quilt is a pieced quilt for which we have to find a 60 degree triangle template. That one has to be done by the end of March when 3rdS and his wife will visit. It's for her birthday at that same time. Then one more for late May. Then all the "have to" quilts are done.

I'm almost finished crocheting all the additional rows on the afghan squares I'm working on. It'll be huge by the time I get it all put together.

I'm seriously thinking of sending it to my mother for her 89th birthday. I've not had any serious contact with her for about 20 years (9 years ago for her 80th birthday and ten years before that). Lots of "stuff" between us. However, my thought was I'd write up a letter and information about Asperger's and send it along with the afghan to my mom and at the same time, send the same letter and information to my siblings, who I'm also estranged from. It's not realistic to believe there will be a big family reunion with open arms, but at least they would all know why I'm so weird....

Current Mood: Climbing back up again

Here's a shot of the before and after on the crocheted squares I'm working on. The large square is about 12 inches, so when done, the afghan will probably fit a twin bed.

Current Mood: Contemplative

I feel like I haven't been doing anything constructive the past few days. Actually, for most of them I haven't been home, but....

Friday morning was the first day of my water exercise class. It was really fast paced, we kept moving for the full time. Nothing I couldn't handle and although it did raise my heart and respiration rate, it wasn't uncomfortable at all. And I was sore the next day. But I was woofed on Friday. I had a hard time doing anything else that day at all!

YD and I went to the local fabric outlet and picked up fabric for the three quilts we need to make this spring. And I found some Christmas prints on sale for $.49 a yard. Kinda hard to pass those up for presents this winter.

Yesterday, YD had her Tai Chi class so I was babysitting my GDs. The baby went to sleep so I sat and rocked her for the 90 minutes. Then we did a little shopping and had a pedicure. I know that sounds like an extravagance but I have ingrown toenails and a pedicure is much better than a doctor with a pair of pliers!

I did take apart a crocheted afghan I had put together quite a while ago. I apparently didn't do a very good job of sewing the squares together as they started to come undone the first time I washed it.

So anyway, I took all the squares apart and am adding a few more rows of yellow around them to make the squares bigger so the afghan is bigger when I get it done.

I am avoiding thinking about my appointment at the Mental Health Clinic tomorrow. If I don't, I'll stress out so totally with it. I'm at a point again that I am not even sure why I'm doing this. I vacillate between being sure I'll either be told there is nothing wrong with me other than I'm just a mean person to I'm crazy and really need to be locked up to avoid hurting myself and others. The latter wouldn't be too bad except I'm sure they wouldn't let me bring any needlework with me.... And I'd have to do therapy sessions that would totally make me crazy if I wasn't already. :::sigh::: No way to win on this!

I'm thinking about going back to school. All will depend on financial aid and scheduling....

Current Mood: Bland

Things are better in the house. ED has come out of her funk and is participating in life again. She's taking responsibility for her kids and cleaning up after herself. She even went to the grocery store last night. Because she was going, I paid for the groceries and let her buy the non-food items. In turn, yesterday, I did her and the boys laundry.

She quit the job training she was doing for another call center job with higher pay. She also ran into an old manager from her Jack In The Box days, who suggested she come back as an assistant manager. She's going to look into that, too.

I'm toying with the idea of going back to school. Scheduling is a nightmare, though, and YD would have to watch the GSs. ED has the paperwork for DES certification for childcare assistance, but hasn't turned it in yet. If she gets certified, either I or YD can become certified caregivers and get paid by the state to watch the kids.

I didn't get much done yesterday in the house as I was running errands in the morning, and harvesting my Kombucha Tea. I did layout a quilt for a preemie (charity work) and started hand quilting that. It's a print fabric with a plain backing and no batting. Those preemies need very light weight stuff, and often times they are just draped over the isolettes to block out the harsh 24/7 light in the NICU. It'll keep me busy with yet another hand sewing project while watching TV. I get tired of one and have to change them out frequently.

Watched Fahrenheit 9/11 last night. :::Sigh:::

Here's a pic of a faux crazy quilt top I pieced in December. I started out with 8 inch squares and ended up with 6 1/2 inch squares. Squares are divided into stacks and then cut and sewn together again and then cut and sewn together again. Kinda neat, I think.

Current Mood: Almost Chipper

I had my appointment with DES about keeping my Cash Assistance. No go. Because I'm not free to go get a job (responsible for babysitting two of my GSs), I can't keep my CA.

Tried to have a talk with ED about all of the mess going on in our home, and don't know that anything was resolved. She refused to give me an answer as to whether or not she is staying here or moving out. I did tell her I'm not moving, and if she's unhappy, she needs to move. I also said I will not necessarily do social babysitting for her. I said it depends on what kind of day, week, etc., it's been and if I have the energy for it. She didn't seem pleased about that.

So, I wasn't home at all yesterday and didn't get anything done either. However, no one else was here either, so, there was no more mess here than when I left.

On Monday I did recover the kids' table. I'd done it last summer, but 2nd GS managed to poke a hole in the plastic and started tearing the table top (which is why it had to be recovered in the first place).

Current Mood: Calmer

Not much to report. The schedule goes back to "normal" this week. EGS starts school today and ED goes back to work. YD, 2ndGS, EGD and I all start exercise classes this Friday. The kidlets are going to Swim & Gym, YD is taking a Tai Chi class, and I'm doing three days of water exercise. I did a class two days a week in the fall and really enjoyed it. Till the pool got so cold. Am NOT looking forward to returning to the cold pool in January, either. Had hoped it would be in the indoor therapeutic pool, but I don't think my luck is holding.

Tomorrow I have to go to DES for a Jobs Orientation. In order to get Cash Assistance, I have to either find a job or convince them that taking care of my grandkids is a job. I'm not looking forward to this at all. Am trying to keep from stressing about it. Either I'll still have my Cash Assistance or I won't.

I can report I did some spinning yesterday. I have a long hair dog, Sugar, that's a chow mix.

Current Mood: Determined

It seems I've gotten very little time to myself in the mornings these last few months. I like to do my writing in the quiet in the morning. Although I don't think that's really going to change at all in the near future, I'm going to try and get back into journalling and recording my accomplishments (and disappointments) again.

I'm still progressing health wise. I've been watching my diet without allowing it to become an obsession. My clothes are still getting bigger, so I must be loosing weight. What I don't know is if my cholesterol and blood sugar have improved. However I did go do my blood work finally, on Friday, so I should be getting a call from my doctor next week to let me know the results. I seriously stressed about the blood work. If I'd gone in early December like I was supposed to, maybe it would have been better. Although I didn't eat a lot of holiday foods, I did enjoy my turkey.... However, can't change any of it now, so I'll just wait and see.

Life with ED is not any better than it's been the whole year. And it's been a bad year. She's very angry at me and I have no clue why. She can't/won't tell me what I did or didn't do, just demands more and more from me. Because she's developed a social life, she thinks I should be on call 24/7 as a babysitter so she can come and go as she wishes without accountability. Which if she didn't have two small kids, I would agree to, in principle. They aren't my kids and I shouldn't be the primary caregiver for them. I told her I would take care of the kids while she is at work and school for no charge. Which means I am also responsible for keeping the house clean, the laundry done, chauffeuring EGS to and from school, etc. And if I want to do anything, I have to plan it in advance so there is someone to step in and cover the work. (I went to visit my friend, F, for four days in early November. ED had quit her job and school so she was "home" 24/7. During the time I was gone, she did absolutely no housework at all except the dishes, sort of. When I came home the floors were filthy, there was dirty dishes and food and 10,000 flies in the kitchen, etc. Why go on vacation if I have twice as much work to do when I get back? And we're not even going to discuss how embarrassed I was when F and I walked in the door....) So, now the latest is she is moving out. How that's going to make life easier for her, I have no idea, but, hey, whatever floats her boat.

YD and I have decided that we can make a go of living together. Seeing that three of the four of us have Asperger's Syndrome, we know how to communicate with each other and at least our home will be a haven from the NT world. I'm so exhausted from trying to "act normal" and be the nice individual that NTs seem to be able to do without any effort. No wonder I'm totally burned out on life.

I have an appointment at the mental health clinic on the ninth. Supposedly it's for depression. And maybe I am depressed. But it's a symptom. Anyone would be depressed if they lived in a world that doesn't accept them "as is". A world where pretending to be like everyone else was the only way to survive. I spent all but the last few months trying to be like others, to react, to enjoy, to view the world like others.... It's kinda like being in a movie and being the only one not to have a script. Just about the time you figure out the story line and the part your character plays, the whole thing changes. Everyone else seems to just "know" the changes, adapts to them, and goes on. I run around trying to get someone to tell me what's going on. "Oh, you know...." No, I don't know. I don't have a clue. Yes, I think depression is a definite out come of that. But it's the symptom, not the problem. And of course, there is no cure or pill or therapy for "the problem". I have had so many jobs, so many relationships, that just disintegrated after time because I relaxed, let down my guard, and acted like myself. Then I was no longer acceptable for the job (not because I didn't do the work, but because I was socially unacceptable), and not acceptable for the relationship.

Most of "being acceptable" in a relationship, whether a friendship or job related social dynamics, was allowing others to tell me what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. Which is okay, except I could always figure a better, more efficient way to do "it", and get it done faster than other people. I couldn't however figure out which tasks I was really supposed to do, and those I could ignore. Cuz apparently bosses like to tell you to do a bunch of stuff they don't really want done, they are just into telling people to do stuff. And when I was a boss, I'd tell people to do stuff and they'd not bother cuz according to this script that I don't have, whatever I said was one of those things that bosses say they don't really expect to be accomplished. Except I did. Then I was unreasonable to expect the work to be done. I don't understand. I never understood. I never fit. I'm too old and tired to keep trying to fit in. Further more, I don't want to fit in. I don't like that whole world. It's illogical and wastes so much time, energy, resources....

So, you ask, what is it I'd like? Seriously? To live by myself in a small housing unit of some kind with enough money to pay the bills and buy food and have a couple hundred left over for supplies to I can continue to do some kind of needlework (which 95% of is given away as birthday and Christmas presents). Ideally I'd have a TV cable, internet, a dvd player and tape player so I can watch TV and movies and listen to books. The money would provide bus passes so I can go to the library and perhaps out for coffee at the bookstore on occasion. In compromise, I'd be happy if my YD and my GDs and my YS lived with me. Perhaps even my ES. Seeing that all of those mentioned have some kind of social disorder or brain damage. We get along just fine. As long as my involvement in the "real" world is minimal, I'm okay. I'm happy, I can relate to those around me.... I just want to be alone when I want to be alone. YD, GDs and YS are more than willing to live like that, too.

I know that sounds pretty dismal to all you "regular" people, but it would be total joy and happiness for me.

Current needlework includes a "quilt as you go" project. I'm hand quilting the blocks before assembling the quilt. I haven't been able to figure out how to handquilt using a frame...it just is way to clumsy for me. I tied to lap quilt a large quilt, but that doesn't work either. So, if I want to hand quilt a large quilt, this looks like the only alternative for me. What the heck, it keeps me busy and off the streets.

I also am making a quilt from 3.5 inch pillows. Sewing, stuffing, and sewing in rows.

Current Mood: Tired...but getting better

New squares for soon to be arriving GD. I have nine squares finished for this quilt top. My last hand piecing class is next Monday where we will discuss putting the quilt top together. The back of it will be unbleached muslin. We will have each member of the family trace their open hands. These will be made into opaque templates and using Seta Paints these hands will make the foliage on a large tree shape. Each person's name will be printed on the "palm" of their hand.

Nothing that has ever happened has anything to do with now, unless, in my now, I continue to think and speak about it. Fresh new thoughts today will always give me a fresh new experience. My future isn't about my past. (Life is only about NOW.)

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My Book Blog

Current Projects: Baby Sampler Quilt, Fairy Quilt, Quilted Receiving Blankets, 3rdGS Quilt

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Pink Sampler

Bear Wrapped in a Quilt

Flying Monkeys

Molly's Sleeping

Simply Charmed

Zandy Cat

TTMMS Motif

Scissors Fob

TTMMS Motif

Shakespear Sampler

Hagrid

Band Sampler

The Bookshelf

TTMMS Motif

K's Quilt

Bookmark Glasses Holder

Tied Quilt

TTMMS Motif

TTMMS Motif

TTMMS Sampler

Mary Englebreit Hanging

Mary Englebreit Teapots

Come and Sit for a Spell

Pumpkin Girl

Summer

Winter

Wizards

Amish Quilt 1

Cow Flop

Amish Quilt 2

Quilted Bag

Quilted Bag

Pants

Bag

First Handpieced Quilt Square

Jungle Quilt Square

Fairy Quilt Square

Pinwheel Square

Ohio Trail Square

Friendship Star Variation

Card Trick

Square in a Square

Spider

Contrary Wife

Eight Pointed Star

Dirty Windows

3rd GS Quilt Top

3rd GS Quilt Back

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Grammar Avengers Previous Next The Spinning Wheel Previous Next Fiber Arts Bloggers Previous Next

Marriage is love.

Adagio Teas

Current Mood: Energized

Here are the most recent blocks I've done. I'm putting a total of six blocks in this quilt (at least that's my plan now).

The amount of joy you have allowed yourself to experience is the greatest indicator of your allowance of Energy and success. Whenever you are feeling good, you are an enormous (successful) contributor. The measure of my success is my joy.

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My Book Blog

Current Projects: Baby Sampler Quilt, Fairy Quilt

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Pink Sampler

Bear Wrapped in a Quilt

Flying Monkeys

Molly's Sleeping

Simply Charmed

Zandy Cat

TTMMS Motif

Scissors Fob

TTMMS Motif

Shakespear Sampler

Hagrid

Band Sampler

The Bookshelf

TTMMS Motif

K's Quilt

Bookmark Glasses Holder

Tied Quilt

TTMMS Motif

TTMMS Motif

TTMMS Sampler

Mary Englebreit Hanging

Mary Englebreit Teapots

Come and Sit for a Spell

Pumpkin Girl

Summer

Winter

Wizards

Amish Quilt 1

Cow Flop

Amish Quilt 2

Quilted Bag

Quilted Bag

Pants

Bag

First Handpieced Quilt Square

Jungle Quilt Square

Fairy Quilt Square

Pinwheel Square

Ohio Trail Square

Friendship Star Variation

Card Trick

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Grammar Avengers Previous Next The Spinning Wheel Previous Next Fiber Arts Bloggers Previous Next

Marriage is love.

Adagio Teas

Current Mood: Awake