Frayed Ends

Jan. 9th, 2006 05:51 am Monday

Here's a shot of the before and after on the crocheted squares I'm working on. The large square is about 12 inches, so when done, the afghan will probably fit a twin bed.

Well, I'm off to the shrink today. I have no idea what to expect, and I started out with the idea of going in with a list of Asperger's symptoms that fit me. Then I decided it was better to just go in and see what happens. I'm not happy about going in there trying to convince them I have this or that. Why not see what they think I have or don't have....

Been reading a thread in one of the on-line Aspy groups about how one's approach to people changes as one gets older. When one is young, one keeps thinking one can change, that one day one will wake up normal, that one day a real friend will appear in one's life.... And this optimism lasts for a long, long time. One keeps putting oneself in social situations, trying to keep a job.... And it works...for awhile. Then the friendship ends or one gets fired and one again beats oneself up for screwing up even though one had no clue whatsoever what one did that was wrong.

As one gets older, one just plain decides it's not worth it. It doesn't do any good to pretend one is normal, or that one will be accepted by others or, or, or... So bit by bit the pretense slips away. Of course that doesn't make one more socially acceptable because one is truly being oneself. It's just less stressful because one is not constantly trying to pretend one is acceptable. One step at a time, one becomes more and more secluded. One spends more and more time without going out of the house except to take out the garbage and hang the laundry. Going to the grocery store that is on a mission to be more friendly (every employee is required to ask, "Did you find everything you were looking for?" "Can I help you find anything?") becomes almost painful until one learns to ignore them clerks (who don't really seem to mind). The installation of a postage machine in the lobby of the post office is received with a happy dance, because one doesn't have to interact with the postal employees.

So as more time goes on, the less one interacts with anyone outside the family. One gears up to go to the library and is not riddled with anxiety only because one has never seen or experienced the library staff getting angry with anyone, ever. The library is a haven. People are not there to socialize, but to browse and be quiet.

The very sad thing is, that one really would like to have social relationships. One watches people in restaurants chatting and laughing in the company of others and longs for it, only hitting the brick wall of knowing it just doesn't work.

One becomes rude to people trying to initiate conversation. While not very nice, it's better than thinking even for awhile that a relationship might blossom from it. It's much safer to protect oneself than take the chance.

How I Would Like to Spend the Rest of My Life

I would like a small two to three bedroom dwelling with enough money to pay the bills and be able to go out to the movies or for coffee at the bookstore once and awhile. I'd like my youngest son to live with me. I want to be left alone.

Current Mood: Contemplative

Jan. 8th, 2006 06:42 am Busy Days and Sleepless Nights

I feel like I haven't been doing anything constructive the past few days. Actually, for most of them I haven't been home, but....

Friday morning was the first day of my water exercise class. It was really fast paced, we kept moving for the full time. Nothing I couldn't handle and although it did raise my heart and respiration rate, it wasn't uncomfortable at all. And I was sore the next day. But I was woofed on Friday. I had a hard time doing anything else that day at all!

YD and I went to the local fabric outlet and picked up fabric for the three quilts we need to make this spring. And I found some Christmas prints on sale for $.49 a yard. Kinda hard to pass those up for presents this winter.

Yesterday, YD had her Tai Chi class so I was babysitting my GDs. The baby went to sleep so I sat and rocked her for the 90 minutes. Then we did a little shopping and had a pedicure. I know that sounds like an extravagance but I have ingrown toenails and a pedicure is much better than a doctor with a pair of pliers!

I did take apart a crocheted afghan I had put together quite a while ago. I apparently didn't do a very good job of sewing the squares together as they started to come undone the first time I washed it.

So anyway, I took all the squares apart and am adding a few more rows of yellow around them to make the squares bigger so the afghan is bigger when I get it done.

I am avoiding thinking about my appointment at the Mental Health Clinic tomorrow. If I don't, I'll stress out so totally with it. I'm at a point again that I am not even sure why I'm doing this. I vacillate between being sure I'll either be told there is nothing wrong with me other than I'm just a mean person to I'm crazy and really need to be locked up to avoid hurting myself and others. The latter wouldn't be too bad except I'm sure they wouldn't let me bring any needlework with me.... And I'd have to do therapy sessions that would totally make me crazy if I wasn't already. :::sigh::: No way to win on this!

I'm thinking about going back to school. All will depend on financial aid and scheduling....

Current Mood: Bland

Jan. 5th, 2006 06:01 am On the bright side

Things are better in the house. ED has come out of her funk and is participating in life again. She's taking responsibility for her kids and cleaning up after herself. She even went to the grocery store last night. Because she was going, I paid for the groceries and let her buy the non-food items. In turn, yesterday, I did her and the boys laundry.

She quit the job training she was doing for another call center job with higher pay. She also ran into an old manager from her Jack In The Box days, who suggested she come back as an assistant manager. She's going to look into that, too.

I'm toying with the idea of going back to school. Scheduling is a nightmare, though, and YD would have to watch the GSs. ED has the paperwork for DES certification for childcare assistance, but hasn't turned it in yet. If she gets certified, either I or YD can become certified caregivers and get paid by the state to watch the kids.

I didn't get much done yesterday in the house as I was running errands in the morning, and harvesting my Kombucha Tea. I did layout a quilt for a preemie (charity work) and started hand quilting that. It's a print fabric with a plain backing and no batting. Those preemies need very light weight stuff, and often times they are just draped over the isolettes to block out the harsh 24/7 light in the NICU. It'll keep me busy with yet another hand sewing project while watching TV. I get tired of one and have to change them out frequently.

Watched Fahrenheit 9/11 last night. :::Sigh:::

Here's a pic of a faux crazy quilt top I pieced in December. I started out with 8 inch squares and ended up with 6 1/2 inch squares. Squares are divided into stacks and then cut and sewn together again and then cut and sewn together again. Kinda neat, I think.

Have no idea what I'll do with it, but I'm sure it'll eventually be used.

Current Mood: Almost Chipper

Jan. 4th, 2006 05:36 am Disappointment

I had my appointment with DES about keeping my Cash Assistance. No go. Because I'm not free to go get a job (responsible for babysitting two of my GSs), I can't keep my CA.

Tried to have a talk with ED about all of the mess going on in our home, and don't know that anything was resolved. She refused to give me an answer as to whether or not she is staying here or moving out. I did tell her I'm not moving, and if she's unhappy, she needs to move. I also said I will not necessarily do social babysitting for her. I said it depends on what kind of day, week, etc., it's been and if I have the energy for it. She didn't seem pleased about that.

So, I wasn't home at all yesterday and didn't get anything done either. However, no one else was here either, so, there was no more mess here than when I left.

On Monday I did recover the kids' table. I'd done it last summer, but 2nd GS managed to poke a hole in the plastic and started tearing the table top (which is why it had to be recovered in the first place).

So now it has a nice quilt top on it and looks rather neat! I bought a higher gauge plastic this time, so maybe it'll take him longer to tear it up.

This is the first time I recovered it

So plans for today are getting all the Christmas stuff to the storage shed, going through some of the stuff there, and possibly bring home some of the acrylic yarn I have stored there. I also hope to sit down and watch Fahrenheit 9/11 today. I got it out of the library over a week ago and haven't set aside the time to watch.

I finished up reading The Cat Who Sniffed Glue, by Lillian Jackson Braun. I really like these books when light reading, a decent story line, and very interesting characters are all that's necessary. More about what books I like at my other blog

Current Mood: Calmer

Jan. 2nd, 2006 06:01 am Monday

Not much to report. The schedule goes back to "normal" this week. EGS starts school today and ED goes back to work. YD, 2ndGS, EGD and I all start exercise classes this Friday. The kidlets are going to Swim & Gym, YD is taking a Tai Chi class, and I'm doing three days of water exercise. I did a class two days a week in the fall and really enjoyed it. Till the pool got so cold. Am NOT looking forward to returning to the cold pool in January, either. Had hoped it would be in the indoor therapeutic pool, but I don't think my luck is holding.

Tomorrow I have to go to DES for a Jobs Orientation. In order to get Cash Assistance, I have to either find a job or convince them that taking care of my grandkids is a job. I'm not looking forward to this at all. Am trying to keep from stressing about it. Either I'll still have my Cash Assistance or I won't.

I can report I did some spinning yesterday. I have a long hair dog, Sugar, that's a chow mix.

I gave her a bath last week and then brushed and brushed and brushed. I got quite a bit of her undercoat and saved it all. Yesterday I carded it with some similar colored mohair blend I had and ended up with a grocery bag of dog/mohair blend. So I started spinning last night. It's really kind of pretty.

Anyway, it took me most of the afternoon and evening to hand card all these together and then start spinning. It's been almost a year, I bet since I've done any spinning but it was just like riding a bicycle!

I did a bit of hand quilting, too, while watching the last of the Seaquest shows I'd recorded on the DVR. It was a nice series and decent TV during the holiday season.

I've organized all my reading lists on my other blog. It took quite a while to go through all the books I have from the library and get them listed. My library has started making the list of books checked out on a card available to the patron, so I went through and pulled all the fiction off that list too. It's only a partial list of what I've read last year as the service only started in June. However, it's still kind of impressive! I still have a stack of paper backs I bought at a swap meet to add to my On The Bookshelf list. My reading isn't heavy stuff.... I read to escape and if I get into really good heavy stuff, and then get interrupted, I get cranky. So it's better I read light so getting up to help a grand kid or animal doesn't bother me.

I did find a book group on Yahoo, TheReadingLoft that looked kind of interesting. Their next book is Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell by Susanna Clarke. It's been on a list of books I want to read anyway, so I put it on reserve at the library.

So, that was pretty much my day. That and a load of laundry, two trips to the store and visiting with my YD and GDs. EGD spent the night Saturday and we had a good time drinking tea, coloring pictures and just chatting.

Current Mood: Determined

Jan. 1st, 2006 05:50 am Begin Again, Finnegan

It seems I've gotten very little time to myself in the mornings these last few months. I like to do my writing in the quiet in the morning. Although I don't think that's really going to change at all in the near future, I'm going to try and get back into journalling and recording my accomplishments (and disappointments) again.

I'm still progressing health wise. I've been watching my diet without allowing it to become an obsession. My clothes are still getting bigger, so I must be loosing weight. What I don't know is if my cholesterol and blood sugar have improved. However I did go do my blood work finally, on Friday, so I should be getting a call from my doctor next week to let me know the results. I seriously stressed about the blood work. If I'd gone in early December like I was supposed to, maybe it would have been better. Although I didn't eat a lot of holiday foods, I did enjoy my turkey.... However, can't change any of it now, so I'll just wait and see.

Life with ED is not any better than it's been the whole year. And it's been a bad year. She's very angry at me and I have no clue why. She can't/won't tell me what I did or didn't do, just demands more and more from me. Because she's developed a social life, she thinks I should be on call 24/7 as a babysitter so she can come and go as she wishes without accountability. Which if she didn't have two small kids, I would agree to, in principle. They aren't my kids and I shouldn't be the primary caregiver for them. I told her I would take care of the kids while she is at work and school for no charge. Which means I am also responsible for keeping the house clean, the laundry done, chauffeuring EGS to and from school, etc. And if I want to do anything, I have to plan it in advance so there is someone to step in and cover the work. (I went to visit my friend, F, for four days in early November. ED had quit her job and school so she was "home" 24/7. During the time I was gone, she did absolutely no housework at all except the dishes, sort of. When I came home the floors were filthy, there was dirty dishes and food and 10,000 flies in the kitchen, etc. Why go on vacation if I have twice as much work to do when I get back? And we're not even going to discuss how embarrassed I was when F and I walked in the door....) So, now the latest is she is moving out. How that's going to make life easier for her, I have no idea, but, hey, whatever floats her boat.

YD and I have decided that we can make a go of living together. Seeing that three of the four of us have Asperger's Syndrome, we know how to communicate with each other and at least our home will be a haven from the NT world. I'm so exhausted from trying to "act normal" and be the nice individual that NTs seem to be able to do without any effort. No wonder I'm totally burned out on life.

I have an appointment at the mental health clinic on the ninth. Supposedly it's for depression. And maybe I am depressed. But it's a symptom. Anyone would be depressed if they lived in a world that doesn't accept them "as is". A world where pretending to be like everyone else was the only way to survive. I spent all but the last few months trying to be like others, to react, to enjoy, to view the world like others.... It's kinda like being in a movie and being the only one not to have a script. Just about the time you figure out the story line and the part your character plays, the whole thing changes. Everyone else seems to just "know" the changes, adapts to them, and goes on. I run around trying to get someone to tell me what's going on. "Oh, you know...." No, I don't know. I don't have a clue. Yes, I think depression is a definite out come of that. But it's the symptom, not the problem. And of course, there is no cure or pill or therapy for "the problem". I have had so many jobs, so many relationships, that just disintegrated after time because I relaxed, let down my guard, and acted like myself. Then I was no longer acceptable for the job (not because I didn't do the work, but because I was socially unacceptable), and not acceptable for the relationship.

Most of "being acceptable" in a relationship, whether a friendship or job related social dynamics, was allowing others to tell me what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. Which is okay, except I could always figure a better, more efficient way to do "it", and get it done faster than other people. I couldn't however figure out which tasks I was really supposed to do, and those I could ignore. Cuz apparently bosses like to tell you to do a bunch of stuff they don't really want done, they are just into telling people to do stuff. And when I was a boss, I'd tell people to do stuff and they'd not bother cuz according to this script that I don't have, whatever I said was one of those things that bosses say they don't really expect to be accomplished. Except I did. Then I was unreasonable to expect the work to be done. I don't understand. I never understood. I never fit. I'm too old and tired to keep trying to fit in. Further more, I don't want to fit in. I don't like that whole world. It's illogical and wastes so much time, energy, resources....

So, you ask, what is it I'd like? Seriously? To live by myself in a small housing unit of some kind with enough money to pay the bills and buy food and have a couple hundred left over for supplies to I can continue to do some kind of needlework (which 95% of is given away as birthday and Christmas presents). Ideally I'd have a TV cable, internet, a dvd player and tape player so I can watch TV and movies and listen to books. The money would provide bus passes so I can go to the library and perhaps out for coffee at the bookstore on occasion. In compromise, I'd be happy if my YD and my GDs and my YS lived with me. Perhaps even my ES. Seeing that all of those mentioned have some kind of social disorder or brain damage. We get along just fine. As long as my involvement in the "real" world is minimal, I'm okay. I'm happy, I can relate to those around me.... I just want to be alone when I want to be alone. YD, GDs and YS are more than willing to live like that, too.

I know that sounds pretty dismal to all you "regular" people, but it would be total joy and happiness for me.

Current needlework includes a "quilt as you go" project. I'm hand quilting the blocks before assembling the quilt. I haven't been able to figure out how to handquilt using a frame...it just is way to clumsy for me. I tied to lap quilt a large quilt, but that doesn't work either. So, if I want to hand quilt a large quilt, this looks like the only alternative for me. What the heck, it keeps me busy and off the streets.

I also am making a quilt from 3.5 inch pillows. Sewing, stuffing, and sewing in rows.

I'm also doing a yo-yo quilt. These are all pretty much hand projects to do while I'm watching TV in the evenings (or hiding out in my bedroom when ED is home). During the day I work on piecing quilt tops or sewing.

I have three quilts to put together before the end of May. Well, let's see, one has to be done by mid-March, one done by April 1st, and the other by the end of May. YD is going to help out as we are making them for gifts for DIL, YS, and ES. YD and I started planning the quilts yesterday and have plans to begin them this week.

I plan to start spinning again, too. I have several pounds of wool that needs to be spun up. I procrastinated because I didn't know what I was going to do with it. One of my goals this year is to allow myself the joy, the zen of the work without worrying about practical application. I spin because I enjoy spinning. I make quilt tops because I enjoy putting them together. If and when I get around to "making them into something" so be it. Until then, I will enjoy the creativity in and of itself.

And I want to start cross stitching again. I want to be able to figure out how to not obsess about one creative art to the detriment of the others. In the past I've either done this or that exclusively, but not been able to do them all. I get caught up in doing one and then feel guilty if I pay attention to anything else. It's the guilt part I dislike. I don't mind the obsessing so much, as it runs its course and I pick up something else. It's the guilt part. Somewhere I have an old tape running through my head of some authority figure saying, "I spent all that money so you could _______________ and now you're not even touching it." I'm not going to give credit or blame to anyone for that tape (although it does sound like a parental thing, doesn't it?) because I could have easily created it myself. I just have to learn how to lessen it's impact on me.

Well, enough for today.

Current Mood: Tired...but getting better

Sep. 16th, 2005 05:32 am New Pics

New squares for soon to be arriving GD. I have nine squares finished for this quilt top. My last hand piecing class is next Monday where we will discuss putting the quilt top together. The back of it will be unbleached muslin. We will have each member of the family trace their open hands. These will be made into opaque templates and using Seta Paints these hands will make the foliage on a large tree shape. Each person's name will be printed on the "palm" of their hand.

This will be part of an I Spy quilt. I think these are so interesting! I don't know how long this will take me as I'll be on the look out for special fabrics to add to the quilt.

This is the quilt front and back for 3rdGS's birthday in mid-October. He is autistic and loves "tags". So although the quilt top is pretty traditional, the back is pieced with 12 inch solid blocks with satin ribbon sewn into the seams for the tag effect.

I made him a smaller one

a while back and it's at his dad's (2ndS) house. It was such a hit, I thought I'd make him another one to keep at his mom's house.

Health wise, I'm feeling about 100% better than I was a few weeks ago. The thyroid medicine, along with the better nutrition has given me tons of energy. It's been years and years since I've been able to stay up till 10:00 pm or better and still wake up at a normal hour and feel rested. I have a full regime of vitamins and supplements I'm taking and who knows how well any individual one is working, but I'm feeling so much better. I took my blood pressure the other day and it's gone from waaaaaaaaaaaaay too high to 117/70. Which is low but within the normal range. Now I don't think any nutrition, vitamins or herbs did this, because I don't think I ever had HBP. However, it will be interesting to see what it is when I go in next week for the "unknown" doctor appointment. The VA, like the military hospitals, just make appointments for you when they decide you need something. So I don't know what this one is, but I'll keep it just out of curiosity.

Now my other heath "issues". Let's see, the hypothyroid and HBP are under control. I've eliminated processed sugars from my diet so I'm betting the diabetes numbers will be much closer to normal. I've also cut way back on laboratory created oils and fats using only butter and olive oil in cooking and cutting back on animal saturated fats (haven't had bacon in forever).

I've added coconut oil to my diet along with more fiber. So I'm guessing that if diet can help with it, my cholesterol levels should be down, too. I've also been going to my water exercise class twice a week.

Nothing that has ever happened has anything to do with now, unless, in my now, I continue to think and speak about it. Fresh new thoughts today will always give me a fresh new experience. My future isn't about my past. (Life is only about NOW.)

Current Projects: Baby Sampler Quilt, Fairy Quilt, Quilted Receiving Blankets, 3rdGS Quilt

Pink Sampler

Bear Wrapped in a Quilt

Flying Monkeys

Molly's Sleeping

Simply Charmed

Zandy Cat

TTMMS Motif

Scissors Fob

TTMMS Motif

Shakespear Sampler

Hagrid

Band Sampler

The Bookshelf

TTMMS Motif

K's Quilt

Bookmark Glasses Holder

Tied Quilt

TTMMS Motif

TTMMS Sampler

Mary Englebreit Hanging

Mary Englebreit Teapots

Come and Sit for a Spell

Pumpkin Girl

Summer

Winter

Wizards

Amish Quilt 1

Cow Flop

Amish Quilt 2

Quilted Bag

Pants

Bag

First Handpieced Quilt Square

Jungle Quilt Square

Fairy Quilt Square

Pinwheel Square

Ohio Trail Square

Friendship Star Variation

Card Trick

Square in a Square

Spider

Contrary Wife

Eight Pointed Star

Dirty Windows

3rd GS Quilt Top

3rd GS Quilt Back

Grammar Avengers Previous Next


Marriage is love.

Adagio Teas

Current Mood: Energized

1 comment - Leave a comment

Sep. 5th, 2005 05:49 am Quilt Blocks

Here are the most recent blocks I've done. I'm putting a total of six blocks in this quilt (at least that's my plan now).

I hope to have five done by next Monday. Shouldn't be a problem as the fifth block is already cut out and waiting to be pieced. Then I'll return to making the blocks for the Fairy quilt.

Looks like a busy day today. ED's taken it into her head she is going to buy a new single bed for herself and give the double bed to the boys. Which means cleaning up and rearranging the two bed rooms. Well, actually it just means cleaning up the playroom and moving the bed into there. Then buying the new bed and putting it in ED's room. Oh and we're having a birthday party for EGS at 5:00. Shouldn't be a rushed day at all...... So much for me sitting and sewing today.

Spent the afternoon at YD's teaching her how to do the corner start afghan also know as the Diagonal Box Stitch. Her boss at the yarn store called and asked her to make up some baby blankets for the Katrina refugees. Like one can crochet up a baby afghan in a day or so.... Of course boss lady has a knitting machine and she's made several blankets already....

I did a bit of crochet on YD's baby's blanket but the heat just makes it too hard to work with wool. Having to play with acrylic was even worse though. At any rate I put it all away and played with my quilt square of the day.

I finally broke down and started taking the thyroid meds the doc prescribed. I noticed on Friday I fell asleep right after lunch. Not enough energy to stay awake and digest my food. So..... I felt like I had more energy yesterday, but I also was out of the house and in AC. I've completely cut out caffeine now and am drinking water in the morning until my Kombucha is done growing and has made me some good tea. Am really looking forward to drinking it again. Would have been a good idea if I'd never stopped.

I have been sleeping better since I had my acupuncture appointment last Tuesday. He put me on Phosphorus 200C for PTSD. I think that's what's helped with the sleep problems. That and getting over the coughing fits I was having all day and night. I have to look up to see if Phosphorus is good for phlegm. Why, yes it is! and for several other symptoms I had but no longer have. Great choice for a remedy.

The amount of joy you have allowed yourself to experience is the greatest indicator of your allowance of Energy and success. Whenever you are feeling good, you are an enormous (successful) contributor. The measure of my success is my joy.

Current Projects: Baby Sampler Quilt, Fairy Quilt

Pink Sampler

Bear Wrapped in a Quilt

Flying Monkeys

Molly's Sleeping

Simply Charmed

Zandy Cat

TTMMS Motif

Scissors Fob

TTMMS Motif

Shakespear Sampler

Hagrid

Band Sampler

The Bookshelf

TTMMS Motif

K's Quilt

Bookmark Glasses Holder

Tied Quilt

TTMMS Motif

TTMMS Sampler

Mary Englebreit Hanging

Mary Englebreit Teapots

Come and Sit for a Spell

Pumpkin Girl

Summer

Winter

Wizards

Amish Quilt 1

Cow Flop

Amish Quilt 2

Quilted Bag

Pants

Bag

First Handpieced Quilt Square

Jungle Quilt Square

Fairy Quilt Square

Pinwheel Square

Ohio Trail Square

Friendship Star Variation

Card Trick

Grammar Avengers Previous Next


Marriage is love.

Adagio Teas

Current Mood: Awake

Sep. 2nd, 2005 05:52 am It's Friday

I haven't been much in the mood to write lately. Don't really see much sense to it, to be honest. Doesn't seem to help me sort anything out. But, just on the off chance I'm not giving it enough of a chance....

Had my appointment with the intake therapist social worker or whatever her title was. She didn't seem to think I had Asperger's either. But that doesn't suprise me. Diagnosing an adult, unless the therapist is very knowledgeable of it is not often done. Adults develop so many coping mechanisms to help them pass as normal, and these mechanisms are in play all the time, it just doesn't look like our self diagnosis is true. And the few symptoms we can relate can also be attributed to other dysfunctions. Anyway, she has to discuss it with the head shrink and she'll get back to me. On a side note, I hate, hate, hate, how psycho---- people always repeat back several times things that are said to them. She must have repeated back to me, "You just want a diagnosis, you are not seeking counseling, is that correct?" at least ten times in the course of an interview that was less than an hour. I'm sure it serves some purpose when talking to NTs but it's nothing more than annoying when an aspie is involved in the conversation.

My diet thing-whatever it is-is going well, I think. I've cut out all processed sugars to speak of. Yes, I'm still eating store bought bread that has glucose and what all else in it. I'm doing pretty good about staying away from processed foods and have been making my meals from scratch for the most part. I'm conscious of sodium and fat content although I'm not as strict on that as I am on the processed sugar. One does need to have sodium and fat to live and one doesn't need processed sugar. I'm using olive oil and sea salt, although I still am using a small amount of butter, too. I'm trying to avoid trans fats, hydrogenated oils, fractioned fats and polyunsaturated. I'm taking coconut oil every day and have added some herbs to lower cholesterol.

At Begin Your Journey to Independent Health I found this: In summary, our choice of fats and oils is one of extreme importance. Most people, especially infants and growing children, benefit from more fat in the diet rather than less. But the fats we eat must be chosen with care. Avoid all processed foods containing newfangled hydrogenated fats and polyunsaturated oils.

Instead, use traditional vegetable oils like extra virgin olive oil and small amounts of unrefined flax seed oil. Acquaint yourself with the merits of coconut oil for baking and with animal fats for occasional frying. Eat egg yolks and other animal fats with the proteins to which they are attached. And, finally, use as much good quality butter as you like, with the happy assurance that it is a wholesome-indeed, an essential-food for you and your whole family.

It's so terribly confusing and more than once a day I have to convince myself not to just forget the whole thing and let nature take it's course. Somehow it seems totally unfair that one has to do almost as much study as a dietitian in order to create a good diet. Guess it wouldn't be so bad if we didn't have all these nutrient depleted fruits and veggies, hormone infected animals and polluted water. Kinda makes one give up, doesn't it? The kind of money it takes to buy organic is cost prohibitive to most people..... Sure hope I can come to some middle ground on this soon.

My Kombucha cultures arrived Wednesday. Got the tea all brewed and everything set up that night. It's starting to come together in one of the jars that I can see already. The other has a bit narrower mouth and it may not work there. I found some glass canisters at Target for the next batch(es). Wider mouths and easier removal of the 'shroom. It's going to be a long 10-14 days waiting for it to mature.

Been patiently quilting along. Actually just piecing the quilt squares. The hand sewing is good. It requires less brain power than the counted cross stitch at this time, and with my head racing around with this health thing, it's a good activity.

Babies are Beings from the Nonphysical, eternally coming forth for the creation of that which they decide. The babies are wanting, so much, for you to know that all is well. All is well.

Current Projects: Acorn Seal, Amish Saying, Blue Sampler, Moon Mommy, America, Land That We Love, Santa Wizard, Caterpillar Baby, Man into Credit Card, Faux Bargello, Spot Sampler, Amish Quilt 3

Pink Sampler

Bear Wrapped in a Quilt

Flying Monkeys

Molly's Sleeping

Simply Charmed

Zandy Cat

TTMMS Motif

Scissors Fob

TTMMS Motif

Shakespear Sampler

Hagrid

Band Sampler

The Bookshelf

TTMMS Motif

K's Quilt

Bookmark Glasses Holder

Tied Quilt

TTMMS Motif

TTMMS Sampler

Mary Englebreit Hanging

Mary Englebreit Teapots

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Wheres George? ~ BookCrossing ~ A Noble Needle ~ RCTN ~ Stitchers Time Out

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Marriage is love.

Adagio Teas

Current Mood: Numb

Aug. 28th, 2005 07:41 am Research

Learned a little bit more yesterday after resolving I wouldn't obsess about it anymore. Cinnamon is good for HPB and high cholesterol, which in turn makes it good for diabetes. So I'm going to add that to my diet. Also I've done some research on sea salt and water. It makes sense to me. I know that processing takes the nutrients out of sugar, (White sugar is refined sucrose (simple sugar), C12H22O11 , produced by multiple chemical processing of the juice of the sugar cane or sugar beet and by removal of all fiber , protein and minerals , which amount to 90 percent of the natural plant.), so why wouldn't it take it out of salt, too? A "natural" unrefined salt would have the minerals necessary for the human body as that is where we come from.

And then I found this about Stevia. Although I rarely add sugar to anything, it's nice to know it's there. I am considering trying to eat a bowl of oatmeal every morning. Now I really hate cooked cereal, so I thought about a couple oatmeal cookies instead. Well, there's that sugar thing. So, if I had stevia, I could add it to the cooked cereal and try to eat that and/or make some oatmeal cookies with raisins for breakfast....

My friend, G, gave me this advice:

If I were you I'd concentrate way, way less on diet and more on meds and treatment to begin with. Your regular diet strikes me as reasonably healthy. Personally, I think diets as a cure-all are overrated, unless there's something you obviously can't tolerate, and then you naturally avoid it because you know it makes you sick.

Eat a normal, nourishing diet, tell the frickin' doctors what they want to hear, take your meds, get some good acupuncture and homeopathics, avoid things you know make you sick. Beyond that, f___ it. You gotten along fine so far, on no meds, no special diet, with no treatment. Do what works for you. Diets obviously don't!

I agree with this. However, I really would like to see if I can loose weight once I get the thyroid under control. I've never, ever, in my life been able to loose weight "normally" by restricting caloric intake and increasing activity. It would be interesting to try this technique. Who knows, maybe the last years of my life could be spent loosing the 100 lbs I've spent my life gaining. On the other hand, I'm not going to make the rest of my life miserable in order to die thin. Being thin doesn't change who I am inside, I know that. And the "thing" that kept me from people and people from me, can't be fixed with a pill or supplement. My goal in this health thing is to have more energy, feel like I have more energy and enjoy my life. My weight doesn't really matter that much when viewed in isolation. If loosing weight along with bringing my body back into balance will give me the energy and help me loose some of my curmudgeonry, then that's what needs to be done.

Finished up the second square for my fairy quilt. Our "homework" for the quilting class is 1/2 of the squares needed for the quilt we are making to be finished by class 2 (tomorrow) and the rest by class 3 (a week from tomorrow). Then we'll be adding sashing and borders so the quilt top is finished by the last week. At least that's how I understand it. So I have one more square to finish by 1 pm tomorrow. I have over half the pieces cut, so another few minutes doing that and I can sit down, watch a movie and sew.

Have lots of activity going on this week: Quilting class on Monday afternoon, acupuncture Tuesday afternoon, and Mental Health clinic appointment on Wednesday afternoon. Exhaustion sets in on Thursday.

Your own valuable, personal new desire is always born from contrast. The new desire is then heard and answered by Source Energy. Thus, the glorious expansion of the Universe. It is Contrast that puts the Eternalness in Eternity.

Current Projects: Acorn Seal, Amish Saying, Blue Sampler, Moon Mommy, America, Land That We Love, Santa Wizard, Caterpillar Baby, Man into Credit Card, Faux Bargello, Spot Sampler, Amish Quilt 3

Pink Sampler

Bear Wrapped in a Quilt

Flying Monkeys

Molly's Sleeping

Simply Charmed

Zandy Cat

TTMMS Motif

Scissors Fob

TTMMS Motif

Shakespear Sampler

Hagrid

Band Sampler

The Bookshelf

TTMMS Motif

K's Quilt

Bookmark Glasses Holder

Tied Quilt

TTMMS Motif

TTMMS Sampler

Mary Englebreit Hanging

Mary Englebreit Teapots

Come and Sit for a Spell

Pumpkin Girl

Summer

Winter

Wizards

Amish Quilt 1

Cow Flop

Amish Quilt 2

Quilted Bag

Pants

Bag

First Handpieced Quilt Square

Jungle Quilt Square

Fairy Quilt Square

Wheres George? ~ BookCrossing ~ A Noble Needle ~ RCTN ~ Stitchers Time Out

Grammar Avengers Previous Next


Marriage is love.

Adagio Teas

Current Mood: Optimistic

Aug. 27th, 2005 10:22 am Obsession continues

Boy, I'm just a basket case. I can't sleep. I worry about this diet thing all the time. I'm ready to forget I ever went to the doctor and just die if that's what happens. It's got to be better than worrying and worrying, and, oh, did I mention worrying?

Now, on the recovery side of this, here's a couple of things I've decided to do. (Now understand, because I've decided doesn't mean the obsession will stop. It just means I'll obsess about whether it is a good decision. So, I'm going to start doing the Kombucha Mushroom again. I did it for several years, but quit a few years ago due to a skeptic in the house (I know, I shouldn't let someone else influence me....). I did feel better the years I did it and I think that may have been why the symptoms of the HPB, diabetes, and thyroid didn't show up. So, if I can keep those symptoms at bay using the 'shroom, then I won't need medication. Then I'll feel better about a general weight loss diet and not obsess that using one diet for HPB will be the "wrong" diet for the thyroid.

I've also decided not to add any more supplements until I meet with my OMD/homeopath and together we'll make some decisions. Diet wise, I'll continue with what I started--cut back on fats and salt, and try to eliminate refined sugars. Otherwise I have nothing to eat that "stays with me." And I need to go to the grocery store. I literally have nothing to eat in the house.

This is the best I can do for now. I just hope I can quit worrying about all of it.

If the way you feel depends on anything outside of you, you're in trouble--but if you depend only upon your connection with you own Inner Being, then everything in your experience falls into alignment. Seeking approval of others hinders my joyousness.

Current Projects: Acorn Seal, Amish Saying, Blue Sampler, Moon Mommy, America, Land That We Love, Santa Wizard, Caterpillar Baby, Man into Credit Card, Faux Bargello, Spot Sampler, Amish Quilt 3

Pink Sampler

Bear Wrapped in a Quilt

Flying Monkeys

Molly's Sleeping

Simply Charmed

Zandy Cat

TTMMS Motif

Scissors Fob

TTMMS Motif

Shakespear Sampler

Hagrid

Band Sampler

The Bookshelf

TTMMS Motif

K's Quilt

Bookmark Glasses Holder

Tied Quilt

TTMMS Motif

TTMMS Sampler

Mary Englebreit Hanging

Mary Englebreit Teapots

Come and Sit for a Spell

Pumpkin Girl

Summer

Winter

Wizards

Amish Quilt 1

Cow Flop

Amish Quilt 2

Quilted Bag

Pants

Bag

First Handpieced Quilt Square

Jungle Quilt Square

Fairy Quilt Square

Wheres George? ~ BookCrossing ~ A Noble Needle ~ RCTN ~ Stitchers Time Out

Grammar Avengers Previous Next


Marriage is love.

Adagio Teas

Current Mood: Determined

Aug. 26th, 2005 06:07 am Home again, home again, jiggity jig jig

Well, we returned home Sunday night around 11:00 pm. But the drama started before we even left town. Monday evening the van died. Now it had been less than 24 hours since we'd taken it to the mechanic for a vacation check up. And of course it died after 5:00 pm when the mechanic was already gone. A jump start didn't work, nor did charging the battery. We had it towed to the mechanic Tuesday morning and it was a two minute fix. A wire running from the battery had not been attached tightly and had worked its way loose. So we left town 9 hours after we wanted to. We had a good trip over, getting into our hotel around 5:00 pm. We didn't get to go to the beach.

We started in our marathon Disney experience the next morning and had a wonderful vacation. By Friday morning, everyone was there except for my youngest grandson. We all broke up in groups over the four days, everyone getting a chance to spend time with everyone else in small groups. We pulled together for a few meals, exchanged stories, and made new plans for the rest of the day. We stopped at Seal Beach on our way of state and all the adults got a good sunburn. Fortunately I left my t-shirt on so it was just my legs. The girls got back and chest burns. The kids, however, must have had more sunscreen on as they didn't burn at all. Just a little pink in the face. It was a totally relaxing vacation and I felt great when we got back.

The first pic is 3rdS who lives in TN. We were all excited to see him! The next two are the kidlets and the last is the new Mickey Mouse flower statue right inside the gates at Disneyland. It's in honor of the 50th birthday.

As I said, everything was great until Tuesday morning. The living room floor was full of little red ants. Two six inch pathways of ants coming in through the front door. I spent two hours spraying insecticide, vacuuming up ants and washing the floors all before anyone else was out of bed. I must have done a good job as I haven't seen any ants since then.

Monday I had my first quilting class.

The first square is the learning/practice square we started in class. The second, the Jungle square, was another practice piece I did just to make sure I knew what I was doing. The third square, the Fairy Square, is the beginning of the quilt top I'll be making for class. There will be two of the green squares, two coral squares, and two lavender squares. Haven't decided about the sashing or borders, yet.

And more bad news from the doc. Seems not only is there HBP and hypothyroidism to deal with, there is diabetes, too. Doc seems more concerned about the HBP than the diabetes. The hypothyroidism will just take time to adjust the medication to bring that under control.

However, my obsessing about diet is about to make me crazy. I have real food issues. I mean real food issues. If I diet, I obsess down to the last fraction of the calorie, gram of carbohydrate, etc. Whatever the measuring unit is, I obsess to the point of not being able to do anything else. And it's not like it's ever done any good because I could never loose weight. Thank you hypothyroidism. So, now, even though I know I can loose weight, once the medication kicks in, I am still terrified it won't work. In the past, when I've carefully dieted and the authority figure (mother, doctor) harassed me because I must have cheated because I wasn't loosing any weight, I just gave up on the whole thing. Now all those tapes are playing again, and I'm going crazy with fear that, again, I'll suffer through the diet thing (the suffering not being caused by food denial cuz I honestly don't eat that much) but because it won't work and I'll again feel like there is something wrong with me. I know to an NT this doesn't make much sense, but to an Aspie, it'll make all the sense in the world. It's just not fun....

I wanted to sign up for an exercise class at the pool, but I know I'll never make myself go. It's just too risky for me. It always sounds like a good idea, and I go along great guns until it's time to get in the car and drive over there... Then I just come up with a million excuses and don't go. Which the rest of the world interprets as not wanting to exercise, when in fact, it's not want to socialize. So, I should just get a tape and do it at home, right? Well, the bi-lateral coordination issues make it almost impossible for me to do exercise programs that require me to coordinate right and left movements and some top and bottom coordination is faulty, too. I will start walking again in the mornings. It's just harder now that I have a definite time schedule with getting EGS to school. But that's a scheduling issue and I'll work that out somehow.

So..... I know this sounds like a bunch of excuses and it really isn't. It's the issues I deal with and have difficulty trying to get around them. Some I can't get around and have to learn to live with.

EGS seems to like school. He's going to a Montessori school and although much of this particular school's policies are very foreign to our lifestyle, I think we'll adjust. It's a vegetarian school and although I have no issues with that, EGS is sooooooooo picky in what he'll eat it really narrows our choices for food. And cold lunches only. We went to the first parent meeting last night. Although I "know" that as the parental figure most often seen at the school I "should" become involved, I was so happy to see I didn't volunteer for anything and further more, knew I couldn't and didn't feel guilty about it. Trying to fit in wasn't an option and I was so relieved I was okay with that. The down side is that ED has absolutely no time to volunteer so we aren't really participating much.

The PTO is doing a pizza meal each Friday as a fund raiser. All natural, rennet free cheese with no meat. EGS will be so excited about having pizza, will take one bite and be so thoroughly disappointed! Although we'll send along the money each week for him to contribute to the fund raiser, we'll also pack him a lunch, just in case....

I went to a psychic healer before we left town. Wonderful. We dealt with some issues of fear and anger I've been carrying around all my life. She helped me get over them which was a whole lot easier since I knew they were based on my Asperger's. Either my being different which irritates lots of NTs or because of my literal mindedness that didn't allow me to get over some hurtful things.

After that I was able to write to a friend I've been disengaged with for several years. He is also a homeopath and acupuncturist and has offered to help me out for free. I also wrote to my XBF and sent him a copy of a book on Asperger's. Although I have no intention of re-establishing my relationship with him in any form, it felt good to offer an explanation of what he called my "psycho-ness". Even if he doesn't want to believe it, at least I know I'm not psycho. I felt better after I sent it off.

The basis of your life is freedom; the purpose of your life is joy. You are free to choose new avenues for joy...and in your joyous growth, you will add to the experience of All-That-Is. My purpose in life is joy.

Current Projects: Acorn Seal, Amish Saying, Blue Sampler, Moon Mommy, America, Land That We Love, Santa Wizard, Caterpillar Baby, Man into Credit Card, Faux Bargello, Spot Sampler, Amish Quilt 3

Pink Sampler

Bear Wrapped in a Quilt

Flying Monkeys

Molly's Sleeping

Simply Charmed

Zandy Cat

TTMMS Motif

Scissors Fob

TTMMS Motif

Shakespear Sampler

Hagrid

Band Sampler

The Bookshelf

TTMMS Motif

K's Quilt

Bookmark Glasses Holder

Tied Quilt

TTMMS Motif

TTMMS Sampler

Mary Englebreit Hanging

Mary Englebreit Teapots

Come and Sit for a Spell

Pumpkin Girl

Summer

Winter

Wizards

Amish Quilt 1

Cow Flop

Amish Quilt 2

Quilted Bag

Pants

Bag

Wheres George? ~ BookCrossing ~ A Noble Needle ~ RCTN ~ Stitchers Time Out

Grammar Avengers Previous Next


Marriage is love.

Adagio Teas

Current Mood: Apprehensive

Aug. 15th, 2005 04:22 am On vacation

We are leaving for California in about ten hours. We always drive through the night as the kidlets sleep through most of the trip. Our first major stop will be Seal Beach

We'll spend most of the day there, going to our hotel in Anaheim when we get all surfed out. 3rd S and his wife are due at the airport around 6 pm. We probably won't go pick them up, but will wait in the hotel for them. Wednesday morning we all troop to the Disneyland Resort and begin our four days of magic! 2ndS will be arriving sometime Saturday. Then the whole fam damily will be there (except for 2ndS's son).

If the way you feel depends on anything outside of you, you're in trouble--but if you depend only upon your connection with your own Inner Being, then everything in your experience falls into alignment. Seeking approval of others hinders my joyousness.

Current Projects: Acorn Seal, Amish Saying, Blue Sampler, Moon Mommy, America, Land That We Love, Santa Wizard, Caterpillar Baby, Man into Credit Card, Faux Bargello, Spot Sampler, Amish Quilt 3

Pink Sampler

Bear Wrapped in a Quilt

Flying Monkeys

Molly's Sleeping

Simply Charmed

Zandy Cat

TTMMS Motif

Scissors Fob

TTMMS Motif

Shakespear Sampler

Hagrid

Band Sampler

The Bookshelf

TTMMS Motif

K's Quilt

Bookmark Glasses Holder

Tied Quilt

TTMMS Motif

TTMMS Sampler

Mary Englebreit Hanging

Mary Englebreit Teapots

Come and Sit for a Spell

Pumpkin Girl

Summer

Winter

Wizards

Amish Quilt 1

Cow Flop

Amish Quilt 2

Quilted Bag

Pants

Bag

Wheres George? ~ BookCrossing ~ A Noble Needle ~ RCTN ~ Stitchers Time Out

Grammar Avengers Previous Next


Marriage is love.

Adagio Teas

Current Mood: Excited

Aug. 12th, 2005 06:20 am Hypothyroidism

So, I had my doctor's appointment yesterday. Let me preface all this by saying I don't "do" doctors. For a variety of reasons. However, in order to get an appointment at the Mental Health Clinic to discuss the Asperger's Syndrome diagnosis, I had to go through an intake and get a primary car physician.

The doctor I talked to yesterday was very nice and never dismissed my self-diagnosis totally. Although she doesn't agree with it (she has a nephew with AS and my symptoms aren't like his therefore.....) she certainly agreed to give me the referral.

However, my blood pressure was high. That concerned her. What concerned her even more was my thyroid was waaaaaaaaaaaaay out of wack and has been at least since December 2003. I had some kind of an infection producing a huge (golf ball sized) "thing" in my neck. I was admitted to the hospital for three days I think and dosed with antibiotics which eventually reduced the swelling and the symptoms disappeared.

The VA does a routine thyroid test. Mine came back significantly skewed but was never addressed. Who know why? So, we are redoing the tests on Monday. The results should be back in by the time we get back from Disneyland. At that point the plan is to prescribe medication with rechecks and modifications every three months until the dosage is fine tuned.

Symptoms (*I recognize in myself):
*Fatigue
*Weakness
*Weight gain or increased difficulty losing weight
Coarse, dry hair
Dry, rough pale skin
Hair loss
Cold intolerance (can't tolerate the cold like those around you)
Muscle cramps and frequent muscle aches
Constipation
*Depression
*Irritability
*Memory loss
*Abnormal menstrual cycles
*Heavy Periods
*Decreased libido
*Hearing loss
*Daytime sleepiness

So, the most exciting part of this is being able to sleep well and loosing weight. I've never been able to loose weight "normally". Regular cut down on calories, more exercise has never worked. If I cut down on calories, I gain weight.

Now for the blood pressure. I suspect she'll want to put me on blood pressure medication and then we'll see if relieving stress by having an answer about the Asperger's, the thyroid medication combination along with starting to walk every day again and advance to more exercise won't help to bring down my blood pressure.

She's also ordered a cholesterol screening. My biggest problem is I don't want to start taking a whole bunch of medication and then more medication to counteract the side effects of the original medication and on and on and on. My plan is to see where the diagnosis takes me, see what can be done to treat it with diet, exercise and nutritional supplements, and then reassess in a few months.

If I can get some kind of psychological help in dealing with the AS symptoms, even if it's only a diagnosis, stress will go down and I won't try to push myself into social situations I'm not equipped to deal with. Nor will I fret over why I can't be "normal" like everyone else. If much of my physical symptoms can be attributed to hypothyroidism, then they should dissipate once I start taking medication for. that. That should help with the eating issues I've had all my life. If I could see progress in loosing weight, I might be able to follow some kind of dietary regime. It's just always been another stress/guilt producing situation I just gave up and didn't care anymore, because caring didn't help.

So.... looking back over the chain of events that lead me to here...
Finally loosing my ability to be social with S, leading to a serious rift in my relationship with ED.
Finally accepting there was something not right with me and trying to find an answer as to why I couldn't fit in with rest of the world.
Self-diagnosis of AS with the help of G.
Desire to be officially diagnosed with AS so I could relate that info to my birth family.
Taking the big step and seeing a doctor in order to get the referral to the Mental Health Clinic.
Finding out there might be a physical/chemical reason for my weight, insomnia, depression.
Next step: Testing and treatment with chemicals, diet, exercise.
Prognosis: Bright. Life could become better!

Not much being done in the way of needlework. I'm doing a bit of stitching, but have been enjoying reading lately. I've also been really worn out lately so sitting and reading has been much more appealing that futzy needlework right now.

ED and I had a good day yesterday. We took the van over to have it checked for the trip to California. Oil change, rear brakes, everything else was fine. Had the rear windshield wiper fixed, too.

We then went to the office fixture supply store and picked up things for EDs work. Back across town to get her a hair cut. Then to the quilt store to buy the rest of the supplies I needed for my class on the 22nd, and off to see the doctor. After that, one of the bars in town had a "Martini and a Manicure" happy hour, so we went and got a "mini" manicure...hand lotion and nail polish.

Then we went to pick the kids up at their grandfathers' house. As he made the accommodation reservations at Holiday Inn Anaheim for the trip, we discussed that. Decided we'd probably upgrade our room to a suite, too, so there were enough beds for 2ndS when he arrives for the weekend. That will give us two queens, a full pullout couch, two rooms, two TVs, refrigerator, microwave, and wet bar.

So, we'll need to revise shopping lists for foods that we can use the microwave for. Probably some of that microwavable bacon that doesn't need to be refrigerated before opening, eggs, bread, peanut butter, jelly, cereal, milks, COFFEE, water, water, and water.

Spent a lot of time playing with Google Earth finding our hotel, different areas of Disneyland, California Adventure, printing out maps to Seal Beach (our planned destination on Tuesday after driving all night), maps from Seal Beach to the hotel, and from our hotel to the parking structure at the Resort. No one else probably needs this, but I feel better knowing where we are and how to get there from here. I hate being on vacation and spending much of it driving around looking for where we are going. Google Earth is loads of fun. We've found our house, old houses, friends' houses....

So, life is looking up.

As you ask yourself why you want it, the essence of your desire is activated--and the Universe begins to bring it to you. (It's as easy to create a castle as a button.) Anything I can imagine being, doing, or having--I can be, do, or have.

Current Projects: Acorn Seal, Amish Saying, Blue Sampler, Moon Mommy, America, Land That We Love, Santa Wizard, Caterpillar Baby, Man into Credit Card, Faux Bargello, Spot Sampler, Amish Quilt 3

Pink Sampler

Bear Wrapped in a Quilt

Flying Monkeys

Molly's Sleeping

Simply Charmed

Zandy Cat

TTMMS Motif

Scissors Fob

TTMMS Motif

Shakespear Sampler

Hagrid

Band Sampler

The Bookshelf

TTMMS Motif

K's Quilt

Bookmark Glasses Holder

Tied Quilt

TTMMS Motif

TTMMS Sampler

Mary Englebreit Hanging

Mary Englebreit Teapots

Come and Sit for a Spell

Pumpkin Girl

Summer

Winter

Wizards

Amish Quilt 1

Cow Flop

Amish Quilt 2

Quilted Bag

Pants

Bag

Wheres George? ~ BookCrossing ~ A Noble Needle ~ RCTN ~ Stitchers Time Out

Grammar Avengers Previous Next


Marriage is love.

Adagio Teas

Current Mood: Happy & Relieved

2 comments - Leave a comment

Aug. 7th, 2005 06:45 am M-I-C K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E

We leave for Disneyland in eight days. We have our park tickets already. It'll be way too much fun. The whole fam damily is going! Everyone except my youngest grandson as his mother wouldn't do anything to contribute to our family's fun. Meow.

The fabric is for a skirt to wear at the park. I purchased the fabric and made a MM head stencil to decorate it. It seems I always make or have something new with the MM theme to wear for each trip there. Last year ED made us all jewelry to wear. I had a great MM necklace, and the kids got Finding Nemo bracelets.

ED is again making bracelets for everyone with our Disney character. I'm not sure who everyone is, but I'm MM!

Here's some pics of me, YS, EGS, and 2nd GS from last year's trip. Excited? Just a bit!

I have my doctor appointment this week with the primary care physician to get a referral to Mental Health to see if I can get my Asperger's diagnosed. Not looking forward to any of what will happen between now and receiving the diagnosis.

Read another good book: Pretending to be Normal: Living with Asperger's Syndrome by Liane Holliday Willey. What it's like to be an aspie. Not clinical, but real life nitty gritty. Am also listening to a great book: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon. It's written from the viewpoint of a 13 year old AS boy. It documents well the behavior of aspies as well as his determination to learn to move forward in spite of his "limitations." Excellent book so far!

Will have the day to myself today to finish up my skirt and perhaps work on GDs quilt top. Oh, BTW, I finally found a "stuffing tool" for the trapunto. It's metal with a rough end to the pick. In the mean time, I'd put some Liquid Applique on the end of the bamboo stiletto I'd purchased and it sort of worked. I need to roughen the end of the point in order for the paint to stick better. However, because I have little left to do on this quilt, and I don't know if I'll ever do it again, I decided not to spend any more money on this endeavor.

Some AS mind wanderings...

I joined the Air Force because I thought there would always be someone to tell me what to do and I wouldn't have to think for myself, as the world didn't always make much sense to me. There was, they did, and unfortunately they were very much dumber than I was.

Literal thinking: "But you said it." "I didn't mean it." "But you said it!!!!!"

Why is okay when someone else does ____________ but wrong when I do it?

Carving a niche out for oneself is very aspie. I've always wanted a window seat where I could curl up and read. Safe from the outside world, yet able to view it. Safe inside the book.

I wish life was easier for me to learn.

I want to be in the crowd but not of it.

Once I've begun exploring something, I cannot seem to let it go until I've saturated myself in it.

I used to panic and still am uncomfortable if I get delayed somewhere without a book to read, yarn and crochet hook, or cross stitch, needle and floss. Those things keep people at bay; they protect me. Even if I don't pull them out of my purse, they are there should I need them.

Collecting things...aspie trait. I had tens of thousands of rubber stamps. I have five huge garbage bags of yarn. I'm starting to collect fabric again.... Used to have hundreds of books and magazines. Never threw reading material away. I have boxes of cross stitch "stuff". Collected tarot decks and still have about 20 of them.

From Pretending to be Normal:
"I spend a great deal of time imagining how things should happen, rehearsing possible scenarios over and overm contriving lines I might say, and directing how others should act and how I would react to their reactions. I will play this game until I feel I have exhausted every possible scenario, and then I will typically obsess over which scene is most likely to happen in real life." p. 85

"Trust. An illusive concept, one so dependent on the ability to generalize, so tied up to an ability to read the subtle nature of the human condition--no wonder it so often falls beyond the AS person's world of discovery." p.90

"I don't have to be you!! I dont' have to smile when you've done something inane. I don't have to pretend to go along with the flow if it is drowning me. I can choose to turn around and leave this situation the moment it upsets me. And you should respect my decision to do so!" p. 114

"...they help me remember that everyone has the right to figure out their own normal, even as they have the right to know, see, and touch how things might be if they work hard to control their differences, if they work hard to modulate, if they work hard to follow the common place sense of being." p. 120

You are not here to fix anything, because nothing is broken, but everything is continually changing and expanding. Release your struggle, and seek joy and fun, and in doing so, you will align with the fantastic expanding rhythm of this Universe. I'm not here to fix anything; I'm here for fun.

Current Projects: Acorn Seal, Amish Saying, Blue Sampler, Moon Mommy, America, Land That We Love, Santa Wizard, Caterpillar Baby, Man into Credit Card, Faux Bargello, Spot Sampler, Amish Quilt 3

Pink Sampler

Bear Wrapped in a Quilt

Flying Monkeys

Molly's Sleeping

Simply Charmed

Zandy Cat

TTMMS Motif

Scissors Fob

TTMMS Motif

Shakespear Sampler

Hagrid

Band Sampler

The Bookshelf

TTMMS Motif

K's Quilt

Bookmark Glasses Holder

Tied Quilt

TTMMS Motif

TTMMS Sampler

Mary Englebreit Hanging

Mary Englebreit Teapots

Come and Sit for a Spell

Pumpkin Girl

Summer

Winter

Wizards

Amish Quilt 1

Cow Flop

Amish Quilt 2

Quilted Bag

Pants

Bag

Wheres George? ~ BookCrossing ~ A Noble Needle ~ RCTN ~ Stitchers Time Out

Grammar Avengers Previous Next


Marriage is love.

Adagio Teas

Current Mood: Excited
Current Music: Come along and sing a song and join our jamboree...

1 comment - Leave a comment

Aug. 4th, 2005 06:37 am Hot enough for you?

HERE ARE THE CHRONICLES OF A NEW INHABITANT OF ARIZONA:

June 1st:

Just moved to Arizona! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an
air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and cat shit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $425,000 house and can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th:
If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass and baked cat.

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do sh#t for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so my $3,700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Arizona. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

Friend, F, sent this to me today. You may laugh, but I'm sure this is based on a true story with the names changed to protect someone.....

Things were much more like normal around the house yesterday. I ran some errands, ED stayed home with kidlets. She talked to me for an hour about the background for the book she'd just finished reading, The Princess Bride, by William Goldman.

I started yet another project.... I got the border fabric and backing for the Tinkerbell quilt for GD. I did the first trapunto on one of the TBs.

If you click on the thumbnail, you can get a better view of the 3D effect of the trapunto.

I need to find a better tool for getting the stuffing down into the little spaces. I'm using a crochet hook, but I need something that will grab the stuffing and push it done. Something with a rubber tip.... Like a tiny pencil with an eraser.... Maybe I'll swing by the quilting store and see if there is such an animal already in existence. If not, necessity is the mother of invention!

Well, two seconds of search on the internet answered the question:

Now to find one!

For so many years of my life--ever since I can remember--I've always had to evaluate any one I meet or come in contact with as to whether or not I will be accepted by them, ignored by them or abused by them. It's the nature of how the NeuroTypicals treat aspies. Some accept, some ignore and some abuse. Because I've been blaming myself for causing this treatment, (instead of knowing that it was an unconscious reaction to part of me I couldn't have changed no matter how hard I tried), I've never analyzed why these different treatments. So now I can see that'll be one of my sub-obsessions.

(All aspies have obsessions, sub-obsessions and they may or may not change in order of importance or old ones may be relinquished to make way for new ones.) I got a pedicure yesterday. Now ED and I have been going to this same place for well over a year now. They are friendly, conscientious, funny, and inclusive all the time. Yes, this could just be good customer service, but... Knowing some kinds of NTs as well as I do, if an aspie bugs them, it comes from a place so deep inside that they act or react so quickly they don't even know it. So even good customer service training would only merit civil behavior, not friend. Which, don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be on the receiving end of. Anyway, why do these three people accept me without reservation? Is it because they are Vietnamese? (Untested common belief among aspies is that the oriental cultures are far more accepting.) Why don't I trigger some "negative" response in them?

When I talk about these responses, I'm not talking about the people that get to know me and then dislike me. I'm talking about people that can be perfectly amiable to the person(s) in line ahead of me and then blow up when I step up to the counter. And it's happened to me. More than once. When they are put on the spot, they sputter and can't come up with what it is that I did wrong. I can see the surprise in their own eyes as to the magnitude of their reaction. BTW, I'm not ugly.

So, as I observe, and if I figure anything out, I'll share it with you.

Appreciation is the secret to life. Become a person who appreciates, and you will thrive; you will fulfill your reason for being. When I appreciate I feel so very good.

Current Projects: Acorn Seal, Amish Saying, Blue Sampler, Moon Mommy, America, Land That We Love, Santa Wizard, Caterpillar Baby, Man into Credit Card, Faux Bargello, Spot Sampler, Amish Quilt 3

Pink Sampler

Bear Wrapped in a Quilt

Flying Monkeys

Molly's Sleeping

Simply Charmed

Zandy Cat

TTMMS Motif

Scissors Fob

TTMMS Motif

Shakespear Sampler

Hagrid

Band Sampler

The Bookshelf

TTMMS Motif

K's Quilt

Bookmark Glasses Holder

Tied Quilt

TTMMS Motif

TTMMS Sampler

Mary Englebreit Hanging

Mary Englebreit Teapots

Come and Sit for a Spell

Pumpkin Girl

Summer

Winter

Wizards

Amish Quilt 1

Cow Flop

Amish Quilt 2

Quilted Bag

Pants

Bag

Wheres George? ~ BookCrossing ~ A Noble Needle ~ RCTN ~ Stitchers Time Out

Grammar Avengers Previous Next


Marriage is love.

Adagio Teas

Current Mood: Peaceful

Aug. 3rd, 2005 05:58 am Looks like normal from this side

Well, things are progressing back to normal in this house. I wrote ED a letter:

August 1, 2000

I've tried to text you several times but apparently your phone does not recognize texts from my phone. Although the show up as going through, they do not appear in my file of sent messages.

A told me you will not give me money unless I ask for it. I want you to understand I consider that to be an abusive situation in which you are taking all the power and making me beg for what I need. Very similar to the situation I was in with your father. A way of degrading me or using that to make me do what it is you want. Whatever that is. However, I guess I have no choice at this time.

I need money for vitamins, animal food, cat litter, etc. I am already out of calcium and am running low on estrovan and other supplements. Without these I function on an even lower level than I already do.

I need to have a pedicure. My ingrown toenail is becoming very painful and will soon prevent me from being able to walk any distance at all.

N needs bottles of water to take to play group on Wednesday. It is our turn to host the afternoon and we need to provide drinks.

I don't know what it is you want me to say. I can not apologize across the board so please provide specific situations you want me to respond to.

I know A gave you the information on Asperger's Syndrome. I found this out with G's help in an attempt to understand why I reacted to S the way I did. What I ended up discovering was the answer as to why I have acted and reacted to situations all my life. In short, I found out that I am not a heartless bitch, but my circuits are wired differently from the larger population.

Do you remember when Aunt J read me the riot act that night? One of the things she said, that has always haunted me, was, "How could you not know what you said was hurtful?" It wasn't to me. It was my honest opinion. End of discussion. What I couldn't understand was why D and she over reacted to what I said. That's Asperger's.

This is not an excuse. It's a reason. I cannot stop some of my reactions any more than J can. However, on the up side, now that I know what some of the triggers are, I can avoid them.

Remember a few weeks ago when I told you you were welcome to bring friends over here and that I'd retire to my room? And that was fine for me? It didn't hurt my feelings not to be included? And I said, "Just don't try to make me be social."? That was me beginning to understand what I could and couldn't do. I still didn't know "why" then, which I know now, but at least I understood consciously that "social" in many instances was not for me.

So, I'm sorry your feelings got hurt. I'm sorry you had to go through life with a mother that was unpredictable and unable to be friendly to your friends, supportive to you, and all the other things that made life difficult in relationship to me. I am sorry. Understand it wasn't a choice I made. It is how I'm wired, how I act and react when I'm put in situations I can't deal with.

Asperger's is primarily a disability in social situations. Other things show up in each individuals.... like needing to have a place for everything and everything in it's place. Unless I leave it out. That's okay, cuz I know where it is. It's having to have the place I spend my time in relatively in order. I don't function in chaos. It's needing to walk away from crowds or social situations unless I have a shield (usually someone with me). It's not being able to chit chat but able to carry on long conversations about parenting, breast-feeding, crocheting, or whatever the topic of the week is in my life. It's a need to learn everything possible about a subject. It's the Lay's Potato Chip syndrome, 'Bet you can't eat one.' It's not sharing well. It's diarrhea of the mouth. It's interrupting others continually. It's having to have the last word. It can be rocking, hand flapping, not being able to step on a sidewalk crack. It is a form of autism, and considered by many to be "high functioning" autism.

I have a doctor's appointment next week with a primary care physician in order to get a referral to the mental health clinic. I'm hoping I don't freak out and cancel, but I'm thinking because I have a diagnosis already, I might be able to go through with it. I'm not promising I will, but I am trying.

There is no cure for this and very few medications that help. This is me.

Her first step was to give me access to the money again. Then because her work world is disintegrating into tiny pieces, she and YD and I were able to talk about that. Then YD and I had a discussion about our Asperger's because I had read Asperger Syndrome in the Family: Redefining Normal by Liane Holliday Willey and it explained so much more. It's not a clinical description, but the day to day life of an aspie mom trying to give her aspie and Neurotypical (NT) daughters coping skills for a sane life. So much of me, so much of YD, so much of GD. Another aspect of Asperger's? Not being able to apologize and have it sound like it's meant. Maybe simply because the aspie doesn't understand why there is a need to apologize.

I've not been much in the mood to do schooling with the kids so we've been pretty much acting like bums. It's been really humid which zaps a lot of energy and by the time we could miss the crowds at the swimming pool, the rains have hit.

So, I've been stitching some:

The first one is the full piece of fabric for the Spot Sampler. The next are an over all of what's been done and then the most recent motif. Of course, I'll never know if it looks good or just like a bunch of stuff stitched on a piece of linen. On the other hand, many of the antique spot samplers look just that way.

I also pieced a pillow top, trying out a crazy quilt technique. I don't know exactly how one avoids the complications that come from stitching on the bias, or perhaps once the embroidery is added it'll lay flatter. But, I've wanted to try it and low and behold, I did it. I think. Well, I did my version. Don't know if it's the traditional, but I did it. Pics later on.

I also read about trapunto quilting and realized I'd "thought that technique up" all by myself some 20 years ago. I never finished the quilt, but worked for quite awhile on it. So, that made me remember I have a piece of Tinkerbell fabric that I could use that technique on to make a quilt for GD and her baby sister due in October. May just have to see about doing that soon.

It looks like I'll be taking the quilting basics class I signed up for. It starts on the 22nd. I'm looking forward to it.

Your own valuable, personal new desire is always born from contrast. That new desire is then heard and answered by Source Energy. Thus, the glorious expansion of the Universe. It is Contrast that puts the Eternalness in Eternity.

Current Projects: Acorn Seal, Amish Saying, Blue Sampler, Moon Mommy, America, Land That We Love, Santa Wizard, Caterpillar Baby, Man into Credit Card, Faux Bargello, Spot Sampler, Amish Quilt 3

Pink Sampler

Bear Wrapped in a Quilt

Flying Monkeys

Molly's Sleeping

Simply Charmed

Zandy Cat

TTMMS Motif

Scissors Fob

TTMMS Motif

Shakespear Sampler

Hagrid

Band Sampler

The Bookshelf

TTMMS Motif

K's Quilt

Bookmark Glasses Holder

Tied Quilt

TTMMS Motif

TTMMS Sampler

Mary Englebreit Hanging

Mary Englebreit Teapots

Come and Sit for a Spell

Pumpkin Girl

Summer

Winter

Wizards

Amish Quilt 1

Cow Flop

Amish Quilt 2

Quilted Bag

Pants

Bag

Wheres George? ~ BookCrossing ~ A Noble Needle ~ RCTN ~ Stitchers Time Out

Grammar Avengers Previous Next


Marriage is love.

Adagio Teas

Current Mood: Pensive

Jul. 29th, 2005 06:02 am Another long day

Things have gotten really bad with ED and I. It makes for very long days and I'm not dealing with it very well at all.

I made another bag yesterday. It's much smaller and better suited for use as a purse. I also put two pockets inside with snaps so I can secure things a bit.

Also worked on Amish Quilt 3. It's coming along nicely and is a bit easier to stitch than the other two. AQ1 changed colors too often and AQ2 not quite often enough! :) No pleasing me, eh?

Kids' dad sent me a pic of 3rdS and his wife he'd take when visiting them recently. We'll all be meeting in Disneyland next month and can't wait. 2ndS is making positive noises about joining us for a weekend, too, so that'll be great fun. First time the whole family's been to Disneyland in years. Wish YGS could come too, but it's doubtful his mom would let 2ndS take him out of state.

Whether it seems like it or not--you are all working toward the same ultimate goal of joy. You are just approaching things in different ways, and all of it is working. We aer all working toward the same goal: joy.