Current mood:

Contemplative

Monday
Here's a shot of the before and after on the crocheted squares I'm working on. The large square is about 12 inches, so when done, the afghan will probably fit a twin bed.

Well, I'm off to the shrink today. I have no idea what to expect, and I started out with the idea of going in with a list of Asperger's symptoms that fit me. Then I decided it was better to just go in and see what happens. I'm not happy about going in there trying to convince them I have this or that. Why not see what they think I have or don't have....

Been reading a thread in one of the on-line Aspy groups about how one's approach to people changes as one gets older. When one is young, one keeps thinking one can change, that one day one will wake up normal, that one day a real friend will appear in one's life.... And this optimism lasts for a long, long time. One keeps putting oneself in social situations, trying to keep a job.... And it works...for awhile. Then the friendship ends or one gets fired and one again beats oneself up for screwing up even though one had no clue whatsoever what one did that was wrong.

As one gets older, one just plain decides it's not worth it. It doesn't do any good to pretend one is normal, or that one will be accepted by others or, or, or... So bit by bit the pretense slips away. Of course that doesn't make one more socially acceptable because one is truly being oneself. It's just less stressful because one is not constantly trying to pretend one is acceptable. One step at a time, one becomes more and more secluded. One spends more and more time without going out of the house except to take out the garbage and hang the laundry. Going to the grocery store that is on a mission to be more friendly (every employee is required to ask, "Did you find everything you were looking for?" "Can I help you find anything?") becomes almost painful until one learns to ignore them clerks (who don't really seem to mind). The installation of a postage machine in the lobby of the post office is received with a happy dance, because one doesn't have to interact with the postal employees.

So as more time goes on, the less one interacts with anyone outside the family. One gears up to go to the library and is not riddled with anxiety only because one has never seen or experienced the library staff getting angry with anyone, ever. The library is a haven. People are not there to socialize, but to browse and be quiet.

The very sad thing is, that one really would like to have social relationships. One watches people in restaurants chatting and laughing in the company of others and longs for it, only hitting the brick wall of knowing it just doesn't work.

One becomes rude to people trying to initiate conversation. While not very nice, it's better than thinking even for awhile that a relationship might blossom from it. It's much safer to protect oneself than take the chance.

How I Would Like to Spend the Rest of My Life

I would like a small two to three bedroom dwelling with enough money to pay the bills and be able to go out to the movies or for coffee at the bookstore once and awhile. I'd like my youngest son to live with me. I want to be left alone.