Not the Answer....
A pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy which begins by early adulthood and is present in differing contexts within a person's life.

1. A narcissistic individual is grandiose in their sense of self-importance and exaggerates their achievements and talents. He expects to be recognized as superior without achieving any great accomplishments.

2. A narcissistic individual is preoccupied with fantasies of his brilliance as well as his unlimited success or power. He fantasizes about beauty or ideal love.

3. A narcissistic individual believes that he is "special" or "unique." He feels that he can only be understood by or should associate with other special or high status people.

4. A narcissistic individual requires excessive admiration and is on a constant search for admiration.

5. A narcissistic individual has a sense of entitlement. He has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment and expect others to automatically comply with his wishes.

6. A narcissistic individual takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends and uses others without regards to the feelings of others.

7. A narcissistic individual lacks empathy and does not identify with the feelings or needs of others.

8. A narcissistic individual is envious of others and believes that others are envious of him.

9. A narcissistic individual shows arrogant or haughty behaviors or attitudes and does not care who he offends.
From Should We Call Them Human?

This is the outcome of my visit with the psychiatrist at the Veteran's Administration Mental Health Clinic.

I tried to find more information about it and signed on to some groups thinking they would be peopled by others with NPD. No, indeedy. The membership were those abused by NPDs. The more I read, the more depressed and ashamed I became. Although I didn't think the diagnosis fit me, the doctor did and he should know, right?

The more I thought about it the more I didn't think it fit me. I printed out the description and took it to a long time friend who is also my acupuncturist. We've known each other for over ten years. He read it and said, "No this sounds more like my X than you! Ignore it. Obviously he hasn't a clue!" Eventually I shared it with my YD. She said the same thing. Bits and pieces, yes, but those bits and pieces are present in everyone. But certainly not to the extreme to create the personality disorder.

I think my reaction alone to it is contraindicative. I was ashamed, not angry. Angry, abusive outbursts are, according to another source the hallmark of NPD. When I get upset, I physically remove myself if possible or retreat into myself if I can't run away.

So, that was a wasted emotional experience for me. That and all the anxiety before the visit....

However, NPD may qualify me for disability. The doc was sure I'd have to be re-evaluated by their staff in order to get disability. Which would mean I'd either get the same diagnosis (and I'd know I really was living in a fantasy world) and subsequently get disability or I'd get a more accurate diagnosis of Asperger's. I just don't know how long it'd take me to get the emotional and psychological energy gathered to go through all that again.

On the up side of life, I've started the ball rolling to go back to school. The local community college has a program to help displaced homemakers, single moms, etc., work their way into or back into the academic world. Techniques for developing academic, personal, and professionals skills of the single parent, homemaker, and reentry student. Includes college success tools, skills, and community resources, personal, academic, and financial aid goals, time management, self-esteem, stress management techniques, career exploration, gender awareness, assertiveness training, critical thinking skills, job development, and portfolio development. If I get accepted into the program, they will pay for this class, and perhaps one more. If I qualify for financial aid, next semester I can count on some grants to help finance my education.

I've done all the requirements for going to school except an orientation session (today), applying for financial aid (today), and meeting with an advisor (Tue or Wed). Then I'll know....

Although this may contraindicate my "recluse personality", I can treat going to school as an academic pursuit, and not a social one. One of the advantages of not being a "right out of high school" student. And, I can take a lot of internet and self-paced classes which minimizes interaction with others.

This weekend is the local quilt show. Original plans were to go today, but it may have to wait till tomorrow as other things got thrown into our schedules.

YD and I worked on the next quilt on the schedule...4thS's quilt due to be gifted in early April. It'll be a rag quilt. We're at the laying it out on the floor part. Hopefully we can get a good grip on it and have it finished by next weekend. The next quilt is a pieced quilt for which we have to find a 60 degree triangle template. That one has to be done by the end of March when 3rdS and his wife will visit. It's for her birthday at that same time. Then one more for late May. Then all the "have to" quilts are done.

I'm almost finished crocheting all the additional rows on the afghan squares I'm working on. It'll be huge by the time I get it all put together.

I'm seriously thinking of sending it to my mother for her 89th birthday. I've not had any serious contact with her for about 20 years (9 years ago for her 80th birthday and ten years before that). Lots of "stuff" between us. However, my thought was I'd write up a letter and information about Asperger's and send it along with the afghan to my mom and at the same time, send the same letter and information to my siblings, who I'm also estranged from. It's not realistic to believe there will be a big family reunion with open arms, but at least they would all know why I'm so weird....